It has been observed that most relationships are not evenly balanced, that there is usually a belover and a beloved and (ironically, as my first name is derived from the Hebrew for ‘beloved’) I have almost always been the belover.
After the end of the relationship with the first love of my life, aside from all the manipulation and betrayal I discovered later, at the time, I hadn’t even realised that he’d stopped pedalling at the back of the relationship ‘tandem’. In retrospect, I realised that too many of my relationships had been characterised by this severe investment shortfall and disregard on the part of my ‘partners’.
Seeing this I have perhaps over analysed my part in this but can honestly say I haven’t chosen those who were unavailable or unloving. Firstly, I haven’t been spoilt for choice and, secondly, when this has become apparent, I have withdrawn rather than chasing what I can’t have.
The same has been largely true of my friendships with other men too. I recently read a surprisingly astute article on loneliness (http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200606_lonely/1), which talks about how most people need at least one person they can really confide in and perhaps two to go out and do things with.
I have had friendships where I have had to come to terms with the lack of the former and made allowances, only to find that the latter wasn’t on offer either. There’s a point that, whilst not expecting to be at the top of a friends list, one is disappointed to realise that you’re right at the bottom so it even takes forever to get a call returned let alone hope to organise anything.
Beyond this, travelling to foreign parts, I’ve realised that there are so many hustlers that will use one’s politeness and the value one puts on friendship to manipulate. This happens to many visitors but, in some places, a single, unaccompanied (and so judged to be gay) man is a target for men to prey upon and try to manipulate. In the past I have made the mistake of falling for some advances, only to have demands of money or threats of violence follow and also had similar dishonesty and greed in entirely platonic relationships too.
The overuse and abuse of the term friend and friendship has cheapened these terms. True friendship can only develop with time, along with trust, as you get to know someone. What I offer in friendship is respect, loyalty and honesty (even if the latter can be awkward at times) but have learnt it is wrong to expect it to be reciprocal, having found myself to often contributing their share too, to make up the shortfall and that doesn’t work!
Left with a take it or leave it situation, all one can do is to try and rebalance the relationship for what it really is, which usually means taking a step back and may even mean allowing it to wither, however much the sense of loss hurts. If people aren’t there for you, reaching for them to lean on in moments of need is hazardous and you can even end up with a knife in your back to boot.
Hoping for friendship let alone clinging to it, I have found to be a hostage to fortune. Instead I try to appreciate the moments when others show me kindness, respect or a readiness to listen and empathise. As a matter of course I try to offer those things to others whenever I can, not as a bargain but as a no strings attached gift, though it’s hard not to hope.
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