overwhelmed

Having experienced a life of some ups and a lot of downs but, basically, having navigated my way through, albeit somewhat bruised, a few years back, I became overwhelmed by a variety of circumstances that gave me a sort of toxic shock. Some of these things, especially health, struck at the heart of the coping methods (particularly meditation) that I had hitherto found helpful. Having been knocked down, all sorts of other psychological nasties that I had thought I had digested began to swoop in and feast and so began some years of colossal indigestion!

So weakened, I was, that all the efforts I made seem to come to nothing and left me feeling more powerless and besieged. I found that even when there were moments of fresh air, it wasn’t long before something came along to crush these new shoots. To add to this I felt utterly humiliated and shamed by my inability to cope so drew back from others as there didn’t seem to be anybody who empathised, let alone able to help. Mostly the expectation and pressure from others made me feel more frustrated and impatient with my situation which, of course, worsened it.

Just recently, in spite of further challenges, I feel the beginnings of a shift in outlook. Although very early days, I sense the glimmerings of a recognition that, despite circumstances, they are able to overpower me only insofar as I am prepared to feed them with my fear or my craving for escape to somewhere else. This involves accepting that my life has changed utterly, that it cannot be as I want it and developing an openness and curiosity to discover what it can be.

It seems I am a stranger in a strange land. Still digesting...