perfectionism

I was talking to an acquaintance on the phone recently and was saying, ‘I’ve never thought of myself as a perfectionist but...’ when there was a glitch on the line (either my VOIP or her cordless) and when I could here again she was saying, ‘I’ve always thought of you as a perfectionist.’

I would certainly confess to always wanting to do my best, as a basic inclination rather than from my brief time in the cubs and even briefer time in the scouts! I think, however, I am realistic about this and hope more for ‘good enough’ than perfection. On the other hand, I am aware of getting very uptight about falling short, particularly when others are judging me and can get overwhelmed by demands that I can’t really all meet. At that point I often become neurotic and very prone to both trying too hard and over stretching myself which has brought unfortunate consequences.

My current ill health might have begun with a car accident but has certainly been exacerbated by burn out with work and struggling with what was essentially a no win situation where I was working voluntarily for over two years. In the latter difficult situation, I knew I could never ‘fix it’ so that it was just right but really hoped I could make a positive difference. Not only was I hit hard by my failure to do this but was also ambushed by some people who I had considered to be friends who, to add insult to injury, had misconstrued my efforts entirely.

This hit my self esteem very badly and I really lost confidence that I could achieve anything very much. Attempting to return to work after this period, I also discovered that I really couldn’t take the pressure any more.

I don’t have big or perfect ambitions, I just hope I can find a place where I can be considered good enough and, occasionally, appreciated.