overwhelmed

Having experienced a life of some ups and a lot of downs but, basically, having navigated my way through, albeit somewhat bruised, a few years back, I became overwhelmed by a variety of circumstances that gave me a sort of toxic shock. Some of these things, especially health, struck at the heart of the coping methods (particularly meditation) that I had hitherto found helpful. Having been knocked down, all sorts of other psychological nasties that I had thought I had digested began to swoop in and feast and so began some years of colossal indigestion!

So weakened, I was, that all the efforts I made seem to come to nothing and left me feeling more powerless and besieged. I found that even when there were moments of fresh air, it wasn’t long before something came along to crush these new shoots. To add to this I felt utterly humiliated and shamed by my inability to cope so drew back from others as there didn’t seem to be anybody who empathised, let alone able to help. Mostly the expectation and pressure from others made me feel more frustrated and impatient with my situation which, of course, worsened it.

Just recently, in spite of further challenges, I feel the beginnings of a shift in outlook. Although very early days, I sense the glimmerings of a recognition that, despite circumstances, they are able to overpower me only insofar as I am prepared to feed them with my fear or my craving for escape to somewhere else. This involves accepting that my life has changed utterly, that it cannot be as I want it and developing an openness and curiosity to discover what it can be.

It seems I am a stranger in a strange land. Still digesting...

a phlegmish weekend

As I’ve already mentioned, most of my recent posts, especially whilst I’ve been visiting my parents, have been a little grim, to say the least. I’ve had rather a lot that I’ve felt compelled to get off my chest.

I’m hoping it will clear the way for rather more fresh air, appreciation and perhaps even some random smiling, though I’m also sure that there’s still the odd ‘oyster’ to be ejected, so take care!

beat up

The first of a handful of times I’ve been attacked and beaten up was when I was at college. I was walking along a main road in Cambridge at around 9pm, feeling a little downcast (which can act as a magnet for would be attackers), having found that the disco I’d intended to go to wasn’t on that night, when someone passed me then tapped me on my shoulder. Thinking it was someone I knew but hadn’t noticed in my self absorption, I turned round but was surprised when he asked me what I wanted. Before I could reply, another man appeared saying, ‘What are you saying to my brother?’ then attacked me. Knocked to the ground, completely bewildered, I did my best to fend off their punches and kicks.

Eventually, I got away, not severely injured, with some bruises and what became a black eye. I headed to a friend’s room in college to relate what had happened though decided not to go to the police as I was going through an ‘anti-establishment’ phase and had a dim view of both the police and penal system.

It wasn’t until I’d returned to my own room that I became upset and cried. Rather than this being ordinary self pity, it was because this completely random attack had undermined my ‘faith in humanity’. Another way of putting it was that I was upset following having discovered my trust had been naîve and misplaced.

trust

The only viable kind of primary trust is trust in oneself or, rather, developing the confidence that we can engage meaningfully with what arises in our lives, for we will surely have our mishaps! From that we may be able to develop a realistic degree of secondary trust in others.

It’s not that others are necessarily devious or malicious, although some certainly are, it’s based on the recognition that all of us are fallible. Indeed life itself produces an abundance of mishaps. Even if we are fortunate enough to live a relatively pleasant life, we will suffer some losses along the way and, in the end, death, the biggest mishap of all, perhaps, will surely catch us up!

For those of us who are susceptible to low self esteem, developing trust in oneself presents a considerable challenge, although the alternative presents greater problems. I know from bitter experience, if one has put too much trust in another and they let one down or, even worse, betray one, then one’s self esteem sinks lower still.

Although, faced with many difficulties, so very much still a work in progress, I am trying to build the appropriate confidence to engage with mishaps as they arise and, as with friendship, appreciate, rather than depend on, the goodwill of others when I am fortunate enough to encounter it.

in praise of poignancy

Poignancy, certainly not to be confused with sentimentalism, is when something pierces our heart. Our usual train of thought is momentarily interrupted and we are touched by sadness that is inextricably joined with joy. All kinds of things can spark this and, during these moments, we are at our finest and can really appreciate the preciousness of being human.

walk on by

For the sake of completeness (the perfectionist emerges), here’s a clip of Aretha Franklin (not to be confused with the drag artiste, Urethra Franklin), singing the haunting ‘Walk on By’

early Roxy

The Roxy was a tatty old cinema that I used to go to occasionally when I was a child, to see such sensations as 101 Dalmations. It later became a bingo hall and was finally demolished to make way for what is now my parents’ GP surgery.

Early Roxy Music I loved, above all for Brian En[’s synth work, for Bryan Ferry’s louche appearance and wicked lyrics.

Two of my favourites: Ladytron and remake/remodel.